You’ve gotta play it like Basquiat or Leo in Titanic; wear fingerless gloves, squint a lot, and say things like “Mister, I meet a lotta people with money, but whadda they got to show for it?
Rich girls are hot because their moms are hot. But they’re also insane because their dads are inbred sociopaths with Nazi fetishes. All of this makes dating one for a short period of time an excitingly weird mixture of prescription pills, naps, crazy arguments, depressing music, room service, therapists, tattoos that cost more than cars, jet lag, and guestlists. It’s gonna be fun! They won’t stick around forever, however, as they’re genetically pre-disposed to breed among their own kind. But as long as you understand you’ll never be anything more than just a stopgap to them, you’re in with a shout.
THE HELP Unless you’re a horrible, horrible human being, dating a girl with a maid is gonna make you feel like the worst person on Earth; like the conscientious son of a plantation owner
MEETING THEM This is all about timing. There’s a point in every rich girl’s life where they stop accepting daddy’s handouts and start nicking it from his wallet instead. This is when you strike. This is your brief window of opportunity.
The first step is identifying the bars/clubs that these girls frequent. One of a rich girl’s favorite activities is to go and look at other rich-people-who-are-pretending-to-be-poor playing in bands. A good way to find these is to check your local listings for who’s playing in your area, cross-reference band names with the internet, and look out for names like Charlie or Rupert or Frederick. That’s where you’ll find gold. WINNING THEM You have nothing to offer a rich girl other than being slightly less fortunate than they are, so wave your pedestrian lifestyle around as though it was an alternative lifestyle choice. ” Obviously saying something like that while looking another human being in the eye with a straight face is gonna be pretty difficult, but you’ll get used to it. Just bear in mind her entire concept of rebellion will be gleaned from Dickens’s es Franco’s Twitter. The urban equivalent of this is equally potent: Get some lines in your eyebrows, claim to be a small-time coke dealer, wear a lot of Stone Island, and basically inhabit all of her parents’ nightmares. At the very worst, her dad will probably attempt to pay you off. If he does, shout, “I don’t need your money!” and then steal his iPod.
HER HOUSE Yes, her flat isn’t shit. Get over it. The most important rule here is to never EVER ask how much her place is costing her. I know it’s fun to work out in your head how many times more expensive it is than your own rent, or to figure out how many hours you would have to work to pay the rent for just one month biker planet match (approx 500, BTW) but don’t. a) Her parents are paying for it and she has no fucking idea, and b) Just fucking be cool. Act like you’re so accustomed to this kind of luxury that you haven’t even noticed she’s using a remote control to operate the curtains. Just shut up, sit back. Every ounce of your being is going to want to take your own plate over to the sink or say things like, “Don’t worry, I’ll get it.” But you know when a lion rips apart a gazelle in a nature documentary and the announcer says something like, “although horrifying to us, this is just par for the course in the wild”? Think about it like that. And if you’re still upset about it, just remember that the Filipino maid you feel so sorry for lives in a bigger house than you (the outhouse at your girlfriend’s).